Spiritual Enema

I'm so disappointed right now. For the last 3 hours I've been asking all those nasty questions like: How do I want to be remembered? How could I describe my life at this moment? Am I happy?

So I went for a "date" with DeeDee, it was more like meeting a new friend. Why does it have to feel like a date. I sorta want it to be a date, I think DeeDee could be a great partner through life, but why am I thinking that? Do I need a partner right now? What makes me ask that in the first place. I'm so confused right now.

I went into the date with too many expectations I guess, once again. I'm trying too hard to start everything right now. So, had a chat to our resident grey-kop-slash-wise-man Katarn, and we got talking about concepts of Zen, Karma, relationships, friendships etc. Katarn surprised me at first with his wealth of wisdom, objective view on life. Now I rely on it when I get the opportunity. Our chat got me thinking about my direction in life, my way of thinking.

How do I want to be remembered? Well, I think I'd be happy knowing that people knew I was happy through life, or developed a zest for life. Someone who set goals and achieved them. Someone that loved and was loved. Someone that would be missed. How goes that plan right now Shaun? I'll get back to you on that :P

How would I describe my life right now? I'm an emotional traveller. I have suffered but I'm trying hard to be positive, this road is rough, but I'm wearing my new boots. I don't have much to my name and part of me wants to keep it that way, it means I'm more mobile. At times I feel empty or unappreciated but I know my time is coming. There is always room for improvement.

Am I happy? I have everything to live for. An exciting career, enough money to keep me out of debt, dreams, friends, family. Am I happy?!?! I'm trying hard. There are times like now, where I put on some emotional music, question my happiness and I just want to cry the healthy cry. Come on Shaun, Are you happy or not! Fuck. Music makes me happy. Knowing I'm loved makes me happy. Knowing I'm accepted makes me happy. Why should the happiness of others over me dictate my own happiness? I want to be selfish but I can't, I'd feel unhappy about it.

Emptiness, cold-dark and lonely. Destination: Happiness, warm-light and lovely. I am that man on the road, journeying alongside the highway of life. I'm not looking for a lift, my feet work fine, but an offer wouldn't hurt. One step after the next, each step forward is a step closer to the horizon. My shoes don't fit me just right, they're too new. The laces come undone too easily too. I want to ride my bike rather, but I realise that would be cheating. I've just gotta keep on walking, through the sleet, through the harsh sun, through the refreshing breezes, through the meadows accompanied by the jubilent twittering of jays and larks. I'm almost there, I'm getting used to the pace. What happens when I get there? I hope they've got a nice meal cooked for me. Who is gonna be at the end? I want to see familiar faces there. I want to feel like I've arrived home. Isn't my home here on the highway, am I not just a beggar of the bi-ways? I wander into the road like a drunk, I am roadkill. There are no cars while I stumble on the asphalt, not a car in sight. Typical.

I feel better now, thanks for being here.