Introspection

2 days ago, I had a strangely serene dream.

Russia, or some Eastern European Country. Slovakia? We're driving in what feels like a Mercedes G-Model 4x4 (A "Gelaendewagen"). The "we" feels like work buddies, all male. I'm sitting in the backseat. Not sure who is driving.

We're driving on some sort of elevated highway, elevated enough not to see the ground. Instead of typical lanes in a highway, the "roads" are actually connections between various floating platforms, with these connections jutting out at right angles and humped in the middle, like old bridges over waterways. There are people everywhere, but all heading in the same direction.

We emerge from the clouds to see what I can only describe as a huge themepark cross lost city looming over us. The architecture is extremely modern and captivating. I take out the camera and start taking snaps of the people on the road with this amazing backdrop filling up the lens. We're in the shadow of the city as we descend towards ground level. My nose starts bleeding profusely, so I turn the camera on myself and jokingly take pictures. My colleagues are not worried about this activity.

Our 4x4 is now a bakkie of some sorts, and some pedestrians have hopped into the back. They're speaking Afrikaans, which seems highly irregular in this country filled with Eastern Europeans and Russians. I can't remember what they were saying, but I told them in Afrikaans not to talk such shit. They were not surprised that I understood them and could even talk back to them.

We hop out of the 4x4 and start walking with the other pedestrians. We're now at the edge of an immense lake, beautifually serene. The clouds are low but they lift up to reveal a beautiful alpine like mountain range, with one specific peak standing heads and shoulders above the range. "This is where I should go" I tell myself. There are still tons of people around, the vibe is certainly student like, the crowd is young yet yearning for knowledge.

After walking around the lake's edge to the right, we're faced with a massive flight of stairs that crest a little hill. They lead to this place of knowledge, but I can't see it from the base of the stairs. The stairs are irregular in angle, obviously catering to the contours of the land beneath them. I get the feeling that those stairs are important, the stairway to enlightenment.

There are a lot of americans at the base of these stairs, lounging around, resting on the rocks like fat and tired tourists. It's also here that I see the first sign of ladies. I hear a lot of whining amongst them, they're here like everyone else, but don't have the energy to climb the stairs. I remember turning around at this stage and standing on the rocks, looking back at the amazing city and the lake to our left. I also recall bumping into an old friend there before the dream ended.

Bakers will always be Bakers

My life is a bumpy ride over emotional altitude. I'll have periods of raw excitement followed by feeling just plain low. It's always been that way.

I've been thinking a lot about my makeup, how I was structured. Would things be different for me if I was brought up in a separate environment? Would I learn to love myself if I was encouraged and congratulated through life?

Now given a foundation, shaky or not, does that still prevent a building from reaching heights? Does a building need to reach heights to be impressive? Does a building need to be impressive if it offers exactly what a building should? No. What do you have the capacity to change? The architecture. It will take time to rebuild but it will be a feat unto itself. You've got is the soil beneath your foundations, that stupidly insignificant stake of earth. You've also got a team of builders, eager for work, eager for producing quality. All you've really got is a blank sheet of paper the same size of the inclined draughting board in front of you. Pick up the pen and draw. Be radical or be conformist in your design, but just draw.

I think part of my lull in attitude of late is related to both the amount of games I've been playing, plus the feeling of self-worth in my work. Whenever I get heavy into gaming, other avenues of my life become neglected. Friends, maintenance, self-esteem. Gaming is an escape from all those and more.

Watched War of the Worlds tonight. I remember why I hate going to watch movies with the old crowd, I enjoyed the story the movie had to tell, plot holes or not, but to hear it over-analysed in a logical fashion afterwards just killed the romance in the story the movie had to tell. The human drama in this movie appealed to me more than the excellent special effects. We are a sad species. We're so individualistic we'll never be at peace with our neighbour.

Anyway, I've got some reading to do. Jayesh picked up a copy of "The Alchemist" for me on my 26^th birthday, I've heard so much about the book, I'll probably finish it tonight. :)