This time tomorrow

... I'll be back on that airplane, headed to the otherside of the ocean to pursue my career, build my knowledge and find life. Again.

These past two weeks have flown by, *cough* but they've also been buried under contemplation, almost consuming. That last dream is just evidence of whats been going thru my head.

I still can't figure out if this trip is gonna be good or not. I know its good for my profesional life, but I think the novelty has worn off. Its like a trip to a working holiday, not really a holiday in the end.

It'll be a hard routine again, but something I'm sorta looking forward to. It'll be good to get back into Gym, see New England during fall, and spend time with more strangers.

I'm cross with myself

Fucking obscurity. The beauty of grey is no beauty, its a curse. Black and White, now thats pretty / predictable. Black is dark, white is light, harbringers of doom, prophets of good. There is no in-between.

Grey is faceless, a void, an empty space. Grey is neither consuming nor generous. Its just there to piss me off.

Its the "I don't know" and the "Whatever" intwined, wrapped around itself like a narcissistic being with ten eyes and ten hands, each holding a mirror aimed inwards.

Grey is pain, grey is selfish. Grey is just a name, I hope.

Erm...

Part of me wants to disappear into that grey. Become lost. Forget everyone I know and just vanish. Escape even? Change my name, unofficially of course. Forget everyone.

Am I not enough of a shadow already? I'm not a shadow, I'm a shadow of a shadow.

I could escape this life, escape all it means to everyone else. No-one would know. Why do I feel like that?

I already feel like I'm not in contact with my friends enough, like I'm shedding skin. This is a new bug-eyed lizzard version underneath, another malt to go. I've outgrown everyone already, nobody can keep up. Where are the new versions of friends that were meant to be released 2 weeks ago?

Here I am, filling this with bytes. Bites that fill? Fill those bitemarks! What drives me to write? I used to think I could write, but this isn't writing, this is just another time demanding and consuming exercise. I'm sad, I'm in love with morbid music, I'm lonely, and sometimes it feels good. Sometimes I just want to cry, cos a song can mean so much. touch you inside like a swallowed capsule of electricity. slowly it digest, then explodes within. writhing and contorting, your body reacts. limbs in the air at pace, in unknown directions. no master of this ship, just rudders and bows cutting the water. raining on the water. ripples, in every direction. ripples, contorting and distorting the placid surface, sends shimmering light to the eyes below, looking up, like the sky will fall on their heads. eyes, so consumed in staring up, oblivious to the world within. a peaceful world, a world of wonder. a blue world. danger lurks but is accepted. its fluid fate I tell you. shimmering on the sharp rocks and coral, waving in the waves. why am I here in the water when I could surely fly above it. I have wings, they propel me thru the water effortlessly, all I need to do is stick my head out the water and give it a shot. shoot up like a bullet, giving it my all, erupt from the surface, feel the air course over my slippery exterior, feel the sun. I couldn't get bored of flight. I'm a bird, and all I do is fly. Its so boring. Now I'm a man, Sitting in my boat, lean to the edge. Put your weight into the roll, till you can see your reflection in the water. Push it a little further till your nose touches the water. take your last breath. push it further. put your eyes under, and see. see like you've never seen before. push it further. put your ears under the water, let the water fill your drums, pillowing out the sounds beneath, but still listening. New sounds. Take a deep breath and kiss your air breathing existence goodbye. I'm a fish and my fishtank owner has lost the plot.

Tick Tock...

This weekend was total crap, yet productive. I literally locked myself in my room like a little hermit and grafted. I've now got a presentation for tomorrow that looks relatively spiffy, worked on my project for edocs and killed time watching Millennium Season 1 and the Back to the Future Trilogy.

Another thing I did was clean out my fishtank. The poor fuckers, I feel so shit. 2 and half months or more without guidance. Months before that of neglect. It was amazing to find most of them still alive. I'm such a terrible pet owner. So I put them out of their misery and cleaned out the tank. Like I'm closing another chapter in my life.

I've had fishtanks since I've had pubic hair. I even used to work in a Tropical Fish store. The tank is state of the art, with an expensive filter, automatic lights, the whole shebang. Just an incompetent owner. I've done the Amazon thing, the community tank thing, and now just failed at the African Rift Lake setup. Its my lack of self-discipline. Its my lack of compassion. Poor fish.

No time for anything, yet always time to procrastinate. Procrastination is the answer.